The Truth About Dropping Them Off To College

A word of encouragement for everyone who is about to move your child into college for the first time... (or second... third... fourth time)

This was originally written in 2018, before we thought about pandemics and shutdowns. Now that the world is different, we all have a different filter, but this story still holds true. If you're struggling with letting your grown kids fly... this one is for you.

So... this is that day in 2018.

My high school age son and I dropped off my girl for her first year in college in Athens, Georgia and went back home to Texas. Our family of 3 is very close, so despite the privilege of technology to keep in touch, it felt like we were a million miles away. It was hard. There was a lot of uncertainty. But I did it. She did it. And her younger brother did it. We miss her. She misses us. And for all of you in similar shoes now- we get it.

But here's the thing. Every day since then, I have seen the most incredible examples of blessings and good people and a great school all around. And I don't believe for a second that our experience is unique. This can be your story, too. 

The truth is- real life will happen. That’s what college is about. And no matter how hard it is, the biggest piece of advice I can give is to let them navigate it on their own unless it’s truly life-impacting moments. Here’s why:

There will be days of intense pressure, academic challenge, social adjustment, and change in general. They will get sick. Probably the worst they’ve felt, probably during something important like finals, and probably on a weekend, like mine did. There will be storms and bad weather and laptops that don’t work when they need them and laundry room inconveniences and dorm mold. And for some, they will navigate Rush Week. And some will navigate finding their stride and their connections in other ways. Some will break bones or get hurt like mine did. Some will have their first car accident like mine did. Some will have to move when their single parent family just can’t get there to help in person, like mine did. Twice. I totally get it. It’s scary and it’s very difficult.

On the basis that life happens in college, it is safe to assume that our kids at some point or another will have some very difficult, sad, disappointing, and/or stressful moments, too. But keep reading. Because the challenges and stumbling blocks are not what defines their path. Especially not at your child's school. No way we're having that.

When those moments of strain happen, it makes a parent blink back a few tears. Or sometimes they flow freely. Nobody wants to see their child struggle. But remember- THIS is the moment where GOOD happens. This is the moment when fear of change transitions into empowerment and inspiration for them as a young adult, and relief and joy for you as a parent.

Your child is literally surrounded by good, kind, authentic, compassionate people. There is a place for everyone. When it is approached with open mind and willingness to connect with resources, the vast majority find that the collegiate culture is a support network that is safe and engaging. There is real joy, and there is opportunity for your child to learn very important skills that they can’t learn in a classroom.

Independence and proactivity is an amazing gift you can give your child by guiding them from a healthy distance while you let them make a mistake or two or few. Let them meet their people and learn the ropes. Let them make the phone call if the hot water doesn’t work. Let them communicate with the professor and fight for the extra point on a test. Let them call the doctor when they get sick. And if they don’t know what to do or say- help them with that and then let them do it themselves. And then the big one- Let them feel the ups and downs of life without putting your feelings on top of theirs to amplify or alter it. (I say that with real compassion.)

End result of year one:
It’s been the greatest year of my daughters life. Her words, not mine. And that’s including some very, very tough days and big disappointments in the mix. It’s still been incredible. With life long memories and life long friendships.

For your family, my hope and expectation is that the good will far outshine the bad. The joy will emerge. There will be some extraordinary moments of happiness and pride and love and friendship for your child. And as a parent, you get to hold onto that. Those are the things you dream of for them. Those are the things you get to keep close to your heart and focus on to as you feel a valid grief response when you hug them and say goodbye as you leave them in their home away from home.

They will not only be okay... they will thrive. They will love a lot of aspects of college life. And they'll get through the parts they don't love. They’re about to have a whole new level of joy as they learn to navigate the scary parts of change.

Congratulations- your young adult is spreading their wings because you equipped them to do so. They’re going to be great.

And Moms and Dads, you’ll be more than okay, too.