How to Help Your Child or Teen Deal With Bullies
When you were young, it might have felt like bullies were only in school-age life. And one day, it would just go away. But now, it takes about 30 seconds on social media, the news, or life in general to see that bullying, judgmental, or mean people are not going away any time soon. It can become overwhelming as an adult, and it’s really hard to see it happening as a parent. So how do we help our kids, loved ones, or anyone in our circle deal with a bully? Here’s some tips to get started.
Know What You’re Dealing With
Understanding the situation your child faces is the first step to really being effective in dealing with it. That means you have to be willing to watch for signs of trouble, such as changes in eating or sleeping habits; stomach ache, headache, or other physical ailment; physical injuries; self-harm; negative self-esteem; and more. It also means being worthy of trust so your child/teen can talk to you about it without fear of you blaming them, shaming them, or going to the internet to post about it so other parents can commiserate and tell you how horrible it is in the gossip chain. It’s active listening to understand what type of bullying it is, such as physical bullying, cyberbullying, social aggression, sexual bullying, prejudicial bullying, etc.
Help Your Child Gain Perspective
The actions and words of a bully are not about your child, teen, or even you as a parent. They are a reflection of the bully. Perhaps something in their past, insecurity, learned behavior, or some other pattern or situation that contributes to that bullying behavior. Nothing the bully says or does or thinks changes how valuable, special, important, loved, or worthy anyone else actually is. The bully does not have the authority to decide that. This perspective allows the victim to have compassion (this is NOT the same as accepting behavior, allowing it, or tolerating bully behavior with no consequences for them). It’s about giving the victim freedom to know the source of their value and worth is not based in the backstory of a bully’s life. It gives the victim power to take the next steps.
Build Your Team
“Bullying” can cover a wide range of circumstances from dealing with "mean people" at school or in sport all the way to life threatening, urgent crisis. Depending on the situation, you’ll need to decide who is best prepared to help you deal with the bully. It may be something you and your child/teen can navigate by conversation with the bully or their family. But often times, it’s not. Especially if physical and psychological safety are not yet established. That is critical. If at any time you feel that you, your child/teen, or the child you are mentoring is in this type of danger, do not hesitate to contact your local authorities. (We serve a world-wide audience, so it is impossible for us to list all of those contact details, but you can reach out to your local police, child protective services, suicide prevention hotlines, counselors, school administrators, or other trusted organization can assist you.) Trust your gut on this. Don’t hesitate.
Make A Plan
There are two parts to this one. First, and most critically, you must make a plan that provides for physical and psychological safety. That’s urgent and non-optional. The second step is helping the victim build their confidence and stand in their own worth so they are more equipped in future to handle it if bullies or mean people enter their lives again. That’s a longer process, and it may involve licensed therapists or other guidance professionals along the way. But it’s worth the effort.
Bottom line- just because the bullies and mean people of the world aren’t going away, doesn’t mean there aren’t a lot of great, kind people out there, too. Don’t give up. Keep the conversations open, keep talking to the trusted professionals who can help in your situation, and know that the work involved in learning to break the cycle is absolutely worth it.
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We're twins from Texas. We were born nearly 3 months prematurely and were never supposed to live through our first night. And that was just the beginning. Together and as individuals, we've conquered a severe disability, near homelessness, rejection, single-motherhood, cancer, and more... in order to become global entrepreneurs, speakers, Olympic torch bearer, All-American and world champion athletes, and joyful moms.
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