The Hard Truth About Being “That Parent” ...or “That Coach”

Important to Know: Some of the greatest coaches in all of youth sports are quitting because of you, parents. (I know, that stings). Coaches, some of the greatest athletes are falling short because you are missing the point. (that also stings). So let's help you- parents and coaches- get on the SAME page fast, so you can maximize your team success and your individual athlete's enjoyment of the game.

The emails and calls that start with, “You know me- not one to complain but….” or “I’m really not “that” parent, but…”  or the post that starts with “I just need to vent here….” No matter which side of the coin you are on, we all just rolled our eyes a bit. And for a million legitimate reasons. 

So as we approach this season, let's look at a fresh perspective from both sides of the awkwardness before it becomes a big thing, all in the name of intentionally building great relationships and maximizing the chances of a GREAT upcoming season.

If you want to be the BEST parent for your child in his/her sport, or your want to be the best coach, keep reading. Here come the hard truths...

Parents: The moment you say, “I’m not one of those parents…” you are. Embrace that you love your kid and probably have a bias. If you have an issue to discuss, and go discuss it with the coach/owner without prefacing what you are not. Pro-tip: Listen more than you speak, and be the parent who cheers for everyone's kid.

Coaches: Your parents spend a lot of time, energy, and money to be your customers. They trust their most precious things with you. So before you roll your eyes, or “vent” about it in a not-so-secret post, turn on your gratitude for that.It makes turning on your ears easier.  Hear them out. (we told them to listen to you, too. See above).  

Parents: What really makes you “that parent” is not that you called the coach or director. Its that you discussed it twelve times with 23 other parents in the bleachers, viewing room, or sidelines... and that they are all awaiting your gossipy-feedback via DM and over drinks.

Coaches: Build a known policy on how you want “issues” handled. Establish this protocol clearly from the very beginning.That way your parents know the path to get things resolved and they don’t fester in parent viewing areas and group text messages. Include steps, methods in which they can/cannot reach out to you, and most importantly, establish "open hours" so you don't get texts and DMs at 11:30pm or 6am. It's advisable to also establish a "waiting hour" for emotions to cool in times of distress. We suggest NOT discussing hot topics for at least 24 hours after a heated event, so make it part of your culture and protocol to protect everyone's experience.

Parents: When there is conflict or issue to be addressed, empower your athlete first. This is a GREAT opportunity to teach our kids to respectfully speak up and ask questions. Don’t miss this! Let them ask first without being the helicopter. Give them the tools to grow here- let them feel nervous about asking. Then when they do have a productive conversation, they’ll gain the confidence to respectfully ask again later…and that translates beautifully in life long after this sport.

Coaches: We prefer to never be the smartest one in the room. Or at least never consider ourselves the smartest ones. We’ve been in the industry for more than 35 years, we’re credentialed to the highest level, we run events and leadership training around the world, and let us assure you…. there is still so much more we can and want to learn. So even when we have good advice to give, we expect that it is not always taken and more importantly, we are always seeking to learn even more. Sometimes, those lessons come from other industry experts…and sometimes, yes, sometimes, it comes from “that parent.” Seek those meaningful lessons hidden beneath the fuming mad messages or ill-advised cursing voicemails.

Parents: If you are going to ask (or gasp, or complain)…you must be willing to first listen. Don’t expect to get “your way.” There are almost always reasons that come to light that explain why Suzy is not starting this year, or why Jenny got moved to the right side, or Johnny is on the B team instead of the A team. The coaches know what they are doing and they have a lot of moving parts-most of which you don’t see because you are not in practice or in staff meetings. It's also a long season ahead and nothing is ever static. So you may have a million valid “concerns” that need to be addressed, but you’ll still need to allow time for the change to happen- and sometimes that change is in us as parents. Instead of trying to get your way, shoot for getting the entire perspective.  And shoot for your athlete learning to dig deep and make the best out of every scenario.

Coaches: Speaking of the crazy screamers: Here’s your opportunity to shine. Let them be heard, and find the way to step up here. Its customer service 101 for your business.- Its not about giving  them “their way” or to “get your own way” (we told them that, too). But it is about listening enough to let them be heard, then seek the lessons in how we as coaches can get better, and then finding a resolution. Sometimes the answer is that you are the coach and these are the reasons, that’s final. More often, its still a place where you maintain your authority as coach, but the resolution comes from a better understanding of why…from both sides. Being heard and understanding your why is far more important than being right.

Parents: Trust your gut. The only exception to the above is when safety is directly concerned. Then you can be “that parent” all day long.

Coaches: If its safety related, don’t mess up.

Parents: Help your athlete find ways to contribute. If they wanted to participate in one role, but suddenly found themself in another role, this is an even better opportunity to grow life skills and physical skills! One day, they may not get the job, or promotion they want. One day, they may not like the circumstances at school or work. One day, they may not get accepted into their dream college. And the list goes on- this is where they decide how they can contribute to culture changes, grow their skills, model a positive attitude, work extra hard, and become more of a team player who truly makes it about something bigger than themself.

Coaches: Find ways to help the athlete be a contributor. This is a basic human need, so find ways both in the routine, in the game, in practice, and in everyday life for each athlete to contribute more than they consume. It is easy for them to see how the “stars” of the team contribute- but there are many ways every. single. athlete. can make a difference and grow. Find ways to do that with points/scoresheets/runs/plays AND as a culture of the team. Are they a great teacher? Make them coach for a day. Are they a great encourager? Find ways to highlight that in practice or on competition day. Do they have one skill that can be highlighted, even if other areas are weak? Add that. Find a way to do this for each athlete, and you will change lives forever.

Parents: Your kids put enough pressure on themselves. In the stands, stay quiet as they approach their key moments in the game. When they approach the plate. Approach the free throw line. Prepare for the penalty shot. Walk up to the tee. Get ready to serve.... they either don't hear you in that moment, or they don't want to hear you in that moment, even when you think you are encouraging them. "You got it!" and all your coaching tips from the stands should stay inside your own head. They have enough to think about in that moment, and a coach to listen to.

Coaches: Your athletes put enough pressure on themselves. Coach them on what you want them to do, instead of what you don't want them to do. It is always more powerful to move them toward what you want instead of away from what you don't want. 

Parents: If you start with all of the above, you are well on your way to a great season. You'll put your kid in the best position for success short term and long term. They'll become an advocate for themselves and they will have more fun.

Coaches: If you start with all the above, you are well on your way to a great season. Your teams will get more wins, your parents will be engaged but not in your way, and everyone will have more fun.

And that’s that. For everyone’s sake, let us take the ego out of these conversations and just go build leaders for life. Let's simply go to making progress for the benefit of…all together now: The TEAM!

Go Team!

As always, we’re cheering you on,