Sure, a great report card is...well, great. But let's talk about when the report card is less than perfect (that's most of us).
Straight forward: The grades do not matter. If that sounds crazy to you... I'm about to reveal why they don't matter and how you can shift your parenting style in a way that truly helps your child leverage the things that really do matter in 3 simple steps.
In today's example: Your kid comes home with bad grade, you want to punish him and need to determine what to say/do so he can properly “feel” the consequence. After all, we know (wise parent) that it is important for a child to feel the consequences of their behaviors- good, bad or in between. So that terrible grade warrants the wrath of you... or does it?
Step 1: Back up before the result. The lesson is not always in the result. With every parent decision you make, ask yourself why you are making this decision. Why are you about to say what you are going to say or do what you are going to do? It will be impossible to always take out all the ego from these choices, but it’s important to be intentional and thoughtful about what consistently motivates you in your parent-child relationship, including when you are disciplining.
WHY does that grade matter and WHAT do you really want to teach them here? Is it because low grades threaten the idea of them getting into the college you want them to get into? Is it because other parents will find out your kid made a bad grade? Are you worried they’ll think you are a bad parent because you didn’t “make sure” your kid made the A? Worried they are smart but “not applying themselves?”… which is still code for something else that is ego-based and not the real lesson that needs to be taught here.
Step 2: Shift your focus. WHAT IF the only thing you cared about is not about you, but about them making even a little bit of progress in a skill that will either
1) make their life safer or easier
2) make their life more fulfilled
3) lead them to be a contributor more than a consumer in this world
What if you shifted your focus to helping them to improve the skill of listening to others (teacher), or become better organized, to improve time management, decrease procrastination, get better at collaboration? What if you focused on the ability to ask questions- especially to authority like the teacher, the ability to advocate for oneself, and very importantly to teach them that they can learn to learn anything in life? Just helping them understand that they can learn stuff makes not knowing the answer to something not so scary. Not knowing the answer to something is either benign or even a fun challenge at that point.
Step 3: Shift your behavior. If your focus is on the grade or the win alone, the outcome-based focus is setting them up for failure at some point and you are stressing them out. Change your narrative now! It's like a football coach telling the team the HAVE to win every game, but they never teach them how important it is to show up to practice on time, how relevant the extra reps and drills are, how critical proper nutrition, hydration and enough sleep are, how the weight room workouts change everything, how teamwork matters, and so on.
Bottom Line: You either earn the W or the L. You either win or you learn.
If your parenting style shifts from outcome-based to a focus that is on the process of improving skills, building character, and of simply learning… you’ll probably end up with a good grade anyway. Reward what it took to get there, not the fact that they actually go there. If not, who cares? Seriously. Get up and try again next semester. They will not be asked what they made on their 9th grade English Final or even what they made on their SAT when they apply for the job of their dreams down the road. Nor will their significant other care what that grade was either…. They’ll care that they can listen. they’ll care that they are curious and driven or maybe that they are organized and manage time efficiently, or that they can advocate for themselves or their own co-workers, or a particular cause, or for family.
I repeat, the grades. do. not. matter. It's much bigger than that. Stop constantly checking their grades online and back up before the result. Change your focus and TEACH THAT as a leader who is building another leader with love.
Thanks for visiting the L3 Blog!
We're twins from Texas. We were born nearly 3 months prematurely and were never supposed to live through our first night. And that was just the beginning. Together and as individuals, we've conquered a severe disability, near homelessness, rejection, single-motherhood, cancer, and more... in order to become global entrepreneurs, speakers, Olympic torch bearer, All-American and world champion athletes, and joyful moms.
Now, our daily goal is to be a blessing to you and to be a catalyst for good. Sports, Parenting and Coaching rank way up there on the list of what we love, so that's why Lead Love Legacy started. We're here to teach you how to be a leader and how to build high performing leaders for life at home, on the field, and far beyond. To read our full bio, click here.
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